Retrospect

Whoa. A full month of silence.
There's been a lot of ups and downs, and it's an incredibly stressful time right now. Yeah, being an international student sucks. Bureaucracy. Bleargh.
But no point in dwelling on that. Let's switch topics.

I see a lot of my highschool friends (...well, classmates? acquaintances?) in my dreams, despite the fact that I am no longer close with a good 90% of my friends from my schooldays in Japan. It's probably because a lot of stuff happened in those years (from middle to highschool) and they probably subconsciously symbolize the issues I still carry from those days.

And sometimes, I genuinely wonder how they would react to the person that I am today.

Because in all honesty, I was a total wreck n' absolute mess back from middle school to high school. In the "crazy self-centeredness and identity confusion" sense.
Retrospect is a sobering thing to have.
You look back and see all the problems, and they're no longer mysteries. It's crystal clear... more or less. You can at least identify what was wrong with you (because in my case, a lot of the problems generated from my own insecurities).
Aaaand then I fight the crazy urge to bury my head in a pot of coffee and knock myself out because those 5 or 6 years are the most embarrassing years of my life.
I did stupid things, I was not a happy person to be around.

But in this time of stress and life-changing stuff, I think that, y'know, I like myself way better now than I did back then. Of course I have a long way to go. I still have my giant list of flaws and several baskets full of issues. But I'm in a better place - emotionally - than ever before.

To sum it up I guess I sort of miss my highschool days, but I sort of don't. Maybe it's that I finally realized I've grown up somewhat, and want to make amends with that crazy period of my life. Apologize. Repent.
Maybe.